Dean's Blog

When I was little I had a fear of being barfed on by other kids. Somehow I got into talking about this subject early this morning, and I’ve been thinking a little about it in my spare moments. When I was in grade 2, a girl came in late because she wasn’t feeling well. Her name was Tracy, and she sat right in front of me. Mrs. Preddy was reading a story aloud to us when of a sudden there was this horrible sound, like a yak being crushed to death. As I leaned to the side to look, I could see that there was this gigantic mound of chewed up orange segments on Tracy’s desk, solving the issue of why she wasn’t feeling that well that morning. It looked to be about half a case of Mandarin oranges to my 7 year-old eyes, maybe it was less, but it was however dripping quite tremendously all over the floor. I quickly grabbed my desk and backed it up to the back of the room, not wanting to get near the oozing steaming pile. Troy, who was nearby, horked up a bit of grey ooze that sort of looked like wet dryer lint at the sight of Tracy’s offloading. I feared it was to be a big barf-a-rama, but that was not the case.

Now I only really fear being barfed on by beings that could hold a substantial amount of barf ammunition. Sitting directly across from someone on the train or bus for example, or a crowded elevator, wondering if the sickly look on a person’s face is the result of over-indulging on oranges that morning. Knowing that a substantial bit of barf would soak me to the bone, or get into my eyes and ears or something equally disruptive is what I consider a valid cause for concern. I have actually been scouring around for a World War II style trenchcoat to wear.. to keep me dry.. from the elements (of surprise).

Personally I haven’t hurled up barf in about 15 years or so, which I think is pretty good. I’ve gagged a lot, mostly on vitamin pills that apparently are made with the molds for horse pills in order to save money. My cats (Bonk and Spider) throw up enough to compensate though, despite the anti-hairball treatment. Always a nice cold surpise on the bottom of your foot on a chilly morning. Whenever kids come along, I am sure that experience will be multiplied.